3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
