when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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