You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
