The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
