Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
