Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
