Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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