So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
