this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
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