I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
