I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
