i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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