I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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