Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
