I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
