I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
They have beer where we have blood.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
