Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
