need another drink. this is the easiest way
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
