I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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