Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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