I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
