I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
