Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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