Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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