u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I need to stop coming to work sober
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize