Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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