The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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