I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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