apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
