My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize