Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
