so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
