u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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