Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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