Ambien. No doubt about it.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Randomize
