And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
