Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Randomize
