Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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