it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize