Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
