Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
