I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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