She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
