Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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