I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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