I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
