I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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