saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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