Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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