Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
