Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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