Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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