i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
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