my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I could make wine with my vomit
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
