Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
