Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Randomize