I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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