My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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