Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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