How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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