Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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