I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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