What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
