Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
