i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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